2017 Is Here

When I was a little girl I'd often think about what will it be like when I am old. I used to think 30 was old. Then 40. But now 50 seems pretty young to me. I knew that in 2017 I'd turn 50. As a kid that seemed so far away. A million miles away. Little did I know. 2017 is here people. And this year I will turn 50. While I'm not making lists or resolutions or looking for some profound life event, I am in search of joy, peace and happiness. Love I already have. But those other things can be a little bit trickier. So this year I'm just trying to do what makes me happy. Hold on to those things that bring me joy. Hide away in my heart those things that give me peace. Like always. Those are the things I wish for each of you. May 2017 bring you peace, love and beautiful, happy and joyful Jiu Jitsu. 

Power

The power of jiu jitsu to change people never ever ceases to amaze me.  I've seen people's lives changed in huge ways. It is a beautiful thing to behold.  For myself though, I'm struggling daily with my ability to change, to commit, to stay on track. I'm tired of letting my depression and anxiety control me. It's been a difficult year. A lot of things have taken a toll on my mind and body. I pray for the strength to keep walking this journey. The grace to give in and let it change me. I know there's something inside of me that is scared of success. I have to stop sabotaging myself. Where will this journey lead me?  I don't know. I'm scared. But you have to want it more than you are afraid of it.

The Struggle is Real

Usually I am a very private person; but, here goes...I've been struggling for quite a while with anxiety and depression.  Sometimes it paralyzes me.  Sometimes it doesn't.  It's painful and hard to explain.  If you ever see me drop off the face of the earth, you'll know I'm most likely struggling.  I've become quite the expert at going off the grid.  At times, training jiu jitsu has been life saving.  It keeps me grounded and surrounded by a loving, non-judgmental support group.  Your team is everything.  They can make you or break you in the journey.  It's also important having a coach who understands my struggles.  He pushes and pulls me just as the right times.  Then there are the times when even jiu jitsu doesn't save me.  These times are the worst...like falling into a dark pit without a light or a ladder...scratching and clawing to find your way out.  Every second wanting to be present and living your life; but unable to do so.  Feeling like a complete and utter failure as a wife and daughter and mother and sister and team mate.  Always feeling like you are letting them down.  Yep, it is brutal. Then miraculously you crawl out of the pit.  Sometimes with the help of others.  Sometimes with the help of medication.

I've been going through a very rough patch.  I am trying.  Some days all I manage is to get up and get out of bed.  Some days I make it a little further.  Soon I will be back in the world.  Living and loving and training jiu jitsu.  I am grateful every day for jiu jitsu.  In many ways it saved me.  It continues to save me.  It heals me.  It makes me strong...mind and body. So, if you've been wondering where I've been, I've been in the pit; but I am slowly crawling my way out of it.  

I would love to hear from others who struggle with anxiety and depression.  Feel free to talk to me.  Ask me the hard questions.  Mental health issues are so taboo in our society.  I know from personal experience.  We need to open up the dialogue and start changing the way we treat those with mental illness.  I am ready for a change.  I am ready for people to understand.  Do not shy away from it.  Ask questions.  Give a hug.  Make a call.  Reach out.  We are all hurting in different ways.  It is time to end the stigma.  

Remember to love yourself; and that your story is never over!

Peace - Love - Beautiful Jiu Jitsu!

The Comeback Kid

The feeling you get when your kid goes to train without you.  You are under the weather and can't train. She packs up, gets ready and drives herself to class without you bugging or begging.  I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.  She's transitioning to a new phase in her life.  She's in college and in charge of her own time.  I'm starting to see that spark again.  As much as we want them to love jiu jitsu as much as we do, it has to be their own journey.  For a while now she has supported me and encouraged me and pushed when needed.  I'm glad for that.  I will be content to fan the embers of her tiny little spark.  Help that flame grow.  I hope one day she sees what I see when I look at her.  She's a fighter.  A survivor.  Beautiful.  Strong.  She's my Tasmanian Devil Girl.  And for you guys at Combat Nation who haven't been introduced to her, you will soon know why I call her that.  ;)

Pink

It's October folks. Time to get out your pink and honor those breast cancer survivors. To pay homage to those who fought a valiant battle and lost. To comfort those left behind.  Do a self breast exam. Get that mammogram you've been putting off. Wear pink and wear it with pride. I know some amazing survivors. They inspire me. They gave meaning to the words "fight like a girl".  I have that inked on my left shoulder. Whenever I get down or think I can't go on in my training, I remember them. Real warriors. In their darkest hour, all they could do was "Fight like a Girl". This post is for you.