Re-Kindling the Fire

I am having a lot trouble sleeping, so I figured I might as well come write instead of tossing and turning.  I read a few of my favorite blogs and came across this from Tangled Triangle.  She posed the question,  "Ask people why they think you'd fail."  It got me to thinking a lot about those goals from last year that I didn't accomplish.  Those goals that are the source of the absolute worst BJJ funk I've been in since I started training.  I even wrote a whole blog piece on my 2012 goals in hopes of shaking this sense of failure that I am feeling.  Nonetheless, I'm here, and I've got to deal with it, and it's eating me up and I don't know how to fix it.  So, I've decided to take a journey back in time to find that spark that got ignited even before I started jiu jitsu.  Way back to when I started cardio kickboxing.  I used to randomly share my workout incentives on Facebook.  Here they are...

Workout incentive #1: having my son give me a big hug and tell me "look Mom, I can reach all the way around and grab my hands, I couldn't do that before". That feeling is priceless.

Workout incentive #2: Knowing that I can defend my familia with a fierceness I didn't know I had in me. That's something you can't put a price on.

Workout incentive #3: being able to live up to my nickname 'little Deb' and they aren't just talking about my height! :)

Workout incentive #4: FREEDOM...freedom from the bondage of an out of shape and overweight body, freedom to try new things without being held hostage by a body that betrays me, freedom to play and run with my kids without worrying if I can keep up with them...FREEDOM...it's priceless!

Workout incentive #5: Improve my BJJ...every pound I lose will help my BJJ improve, every pound I lose helps me breathe easier, move faster, become more flexible and have more endurance, that can only improve my game!!

That girl was excited about her fitness.  Where did she go?  I think she's hiding...she's scared...really scared...scared of failing, of disappointing, of falling completely off the wagon and back to that girl she used to be.  I don't want to be that girl anymore.  I can't bear to be that girl anymore.  I know there isn't a magic pill or magic words or anything else for that matter that can get me back to that place.  Maybe we're not meant to go back to that place.  It was the honeymoon period, and you really can't ever go back, but you can re-ignite the passion, the love, the wonder and excitement.  So, moving forward, I'm going to try with a fresh start.  I haven't trained yet in the new year, and I plan to be back on the mats (with son and daughter in tow) this week.  I'm on a mission of discovery.  I want to discover and re-kindle the passion for my beautiful journey. ..my jiu jitsu journey.  

Footnote:  My son has decided of his own accord to come back and train jiu jitsu.  It has been a long 6-month period where he didn't want to train and then he didn't want to do jiu jitsu anymore.  It was probably one of the most painful periods for me.  I wanted him to train, but it was in his best interests to let him take a break.  He needed to find that balance at home and at school and get on track academically.  I cried a lot thinking he wouldn't ever be on the mats again.  My heart and my soul were sad.  I wanted him on the mats with us.  I wanted him to share in our joys and victories and even in our defeats.  I couldn't make him want to be on the mats.  He had to come to this decision on his own and in his own way and in his own time....and he did...and that makes my heart smile!  :)