Monday, March 21, 2016

The Struggle is Real

Usually I am a very private person; but, here goes...I've been struggling for quite a while with anxiety and depression.  Sometimes it paralyzes me.  Sometimes it doesn't.  It's painful and hard to explain.  If you ever see me drop off the face of the earth, you'll know I'm most likely struggling.  I've become quite the expert at going off the grid.  At times, training jiu jitsu has been life saving.  It keeps me grounded and surrounded by a loving, non-judgmental support group.  Your team is everything.  They can make you or break you in the journey.  It's also important having a coach who understands my struggles.  He pushes and pulls me just as the right times.  Then there are the times when even jiu jitsu doesn't save me.  These times are the falling into a dark pit without a light or a ladder...scratching and clawing to find your way out.  Every second wanting to be present and living your life; but unable to do so.  Feeling like a complete and utter failure as a wife and daughter and mother and sister and team mate.  Always feeling like you are letting them down.  Yep, it is brutal. Then miraculously you crawl out of the pit.  Sometimes with the help of others.  Sometimes with the help of medication.

I've been going through a very rough patch.  I am trying.  Some days all I manage is to get up and get out of bed.  Some days I make it a little further.  Soon I will be back in the world.  Living and loving and training jiu jitsu.  I am grateful every day for jiu jitsu.  In many ways it saved me.  It continues to save me.  It heals me.  It makes me strong...mind and body. So, if you've been wondering where I've been, I've been in the pit; but I am slowly crawling my way out of it.  

I would love to hear from others who struggle with anxiety and depression.  Feel free to talk to me.  Ask me the hard questions.  Mental health issues are so taboo in our society.  I know from personal experience.  We need to open up the dialogue and start changing the way we treat those with mental illness.  I am ready for a change.  I am ready for people to understand.  Do not shy away from it.  Ask questions.  Give a hug.  Make a call.  Reach out.  We are all hurting in different ways.  It is time to end the stigma.  

Remember to love yourself; and that your story is never over!

Peace - Love - Beautiful Jiu Jitsu!