I trained tonight. Not very well, but I got on the mat. Beat myself up mentally before I even started. I've been trying not to think about belt tests...and quite frankly I wish they would have them way less often because we can't seem to go a week without talking about them and then it's a constant reminder that I'm not belt testing again and then I beat myself up some more and wonder why I suck so much at jiu jitsu. Good grief, how can you suck so bad at something you love so much. It's a viscous cycle. Whoever invented belt tests, well I won't tell you what I think about them, but let's just say it's not very nice. I'd like to think my training is cumulative. Right? I'm a full-time working mother, two kids, a husband, a house, an extended family, lots of commitments and priorities, so my mat time is not the same as someone who's young and doesn't have those same commitments. But I stick with it, little by little I see progress. It's slow going, but it's been cumulating now for almost two years. I don't take long breaks away from the mat. I don't train 5 days a week either. Some weeks I train 1 day, some weeks I train 3 days, on the rare occasion I might train 5 days (that's really rare), but I don't stop. I only take off when I'm sick, my kids are sick or we have band or school stuff going on. But I'm only human, and it still hurts when test after test they don't call your name. And, that my friends, is all I have to say about that.
Then something happens and you get a wake-up call of massive proportions. Something that makes all this stuff seem not important. Why am I obsessing about belt tests when my great niece is fighting for her life. She is only eight months old. We don't know at this point what is going to happen. It's not the kind of wake-up call you want to get. The kind that smacks you right in the heart and the gut at the same time and reminds you that your family is your most precious possession. So last week I didn't train and I didn't feel guilty. Usually if I skip out I suffer from massive guilt. How am I going to get better if I'm not training? How am I ever going to belt test again if I don't train? My instructors are going to think I'm goofing off? But I didn't feel that last week. I needed to be with my family, my husband, my kids. I needed to mother them and stay at home with them and feed them and whatever else they wanted to do. It was important. Today we got really devastating news and we are all feeling so helpless. I am praying for a miracle. I believe in miracles. I hope you all do to. Please pray for a miracle for my beautiful little niece. Her name is Emma. Thank you.