Last night I had a breakdown after Jiu Jitsu class. This does not happen very often for me. Even though I am a big "scaredy cat", I almost always feel empowered after I train. Something was different yesterday. I don't think I can really put my finger on exactly what was going on, I just know that I felt the tears coming halfway through the warm-up and I had to fight them back the entire class. I was frustrated with myself during technique. We were working on a really cool half guard escape where you end up in butterfly guard, but I shut down almost from the beginning (too much going on in my head...you want me to put what where and then do what??!!...holy crap, I can't do that...OMG, I will never be able to move this guy...and so on and so on). I did finally, sort of, do the technique once, with lots of coaching and help. Thank goodness for our amazing instructors at Elite. Then we rolled twice. My first roll was with my 14 year old daughter, who proceeded to royally kick my butt (even though I have 50 pounds on her...so much for my theories on being able to use my weight against my opponents...and note to self, do not use open guard against your daughter, she is too fast and too good and will have you in side control and/or mount before you can blink). My second roll was with another newer lady that had been just coming to the women's only class (but I believe she had trained before and stopped). It was a good roll. She definitely challenges me, and she is crazy strong for a woman. I spent most of my time defending and trying to break her crazy strong grips.
Then we are lining up and bowing out and I am trying to get to my stuff so no one will see the tears coming. I guess sometimes the stress of everyday life and work and taking care of a home and kids and a husband and training just start to overwhelm me and there's something raw and emotional about jiu jitsu that can just bring on the tears. Maybe I just needed a good cry to cleanse the toxins from my body. Whatever it was, I just went into the dressing room and sobbed like a little baby and then I had a good heart to heart with my coach. He always seems to know what to say to make me feel better and manages to make me look at things in the right perspective. He said that there will be hills and valleys in my training. That it is perfectly normal and that everyone goes through that at every level (from white belt to black belt and every level in between). He told me to quit listening to that little voice in my head so much, and just do what comes naturally. Like I said in my previous post "Most days I win those battles, but sadly, some days I do not. But every day I get back up to do battle again and again and again and ultimately I will win the war! ". I guess yesterday I lost the battle. But today's a new day and a new opportunity to fight the good fight. I will make the most of it and go to class and train hard with an open mind and a full heart and hopefully no tears!
p.s. After our heart to heart, my coach did the unthinkable, he said "I think you need a hug"! Well, let me tell you, that was just what I needed. I think Mrs. Ibarra might be rubbing off on these tough Jiu Jitsu guys! As a Mom, we all know that a hug is like magic (it can heal boo boos, dry tears, and mend a broken heart). I love to give out lots and lots of hugs to whoever will let me hug them (on and off the mat), but every once in a while I need a hug. :)